Last night was the first night in 3 nights I didn’t wake up
in the wee hours of the morning sick to my stomach hating myself for choices I’ve
made this last week, really within the last few months. I guess finally I am
working towards forgiving myself…the hardest part.
I used to think I was
someone who tried to exemplify Christ in all I did. Lately my actions have
showed that not only do I struggle to be an example of Christ, but I’ve
questioned if I even know him. To be like him, you have to know him. It took a
17 year old girl to make me stop and take a long look in the mirror. Who was I
kidding? Did I really think that I was exemplifying him when I got frustrated
and spoke unkind words? Did I really think I exemplified him when I was quick
to anger? When I yelled? The list goes on and on.
Looking in the mirror
what I found among other things, was someone who is full of pride. Ouch! That
hurt. I once thought I was a humble person. Humility is not quick to anger,
does not speak unkind words, and is slow to take offence. I have realized that
in order to demand respect you have to give it, no matter the age of the person
you are expecting it from. I found I don’t respect people, ouch again! How
could I be so far off from what I thought I was trying to be?
I have been in need of forgiveness before, but not like
this. I actually thought about not getting back up. I was so ashamed, never
have I felt shame like this. I know your thinking, “Brandi, was it really that
serious?” To me yes it was. The worst part was that I let my Savior down. I set
out to want people to know him because they know me, and instead I did the opposite.
At first I justified my actions, then I realized they were
wrong, that turned into desiring to apologize, then the horrible feeling of
knowing I had hurt a daughter of God on the inside, after came sorrow for what
I did, then I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. Next I had to
question my motives. Was I apologizing for the right reasons, was it just to
look good, or was it just to make it go away? That was a whole different
process in itself. As I begged and pleaded with the Lord for a chance to
apologize thinking all would be better, I had the feeling it wasn’t going to be
that easy. He wasn’t going to bail me out, not this time. I have to learn when
to keep my mouth shut. Something I’ve been struggling with. While, I do think
there are appropriate ways to say what is on your mind and times when one
should do so, it takes great maturity and the spirit to know the difference. Clearly
I am lacking the maturity and the spirit at times to do so.
I felt so alone. How was I going to come out of this? Was I
ever going to be ok? How long did I have to feel sorrow before forgiveness
came? And, at what point would Satan use my quilt to wrap his chains around me?
I can’t remember a time in my life when the process of repentance stung so badly.
For days there was a dark cloud hanging over me. I would feel a tad bit of
hope, and then it would be ripped away by sorrow and shame. I was starting to
feel maybe there was no hope after all.
This morning through a priesthood blessing light came. I
felt his love for me again. I didn’t feel his immediate forgiveness, however;
the reassurance that it would come I did feel. The blessing told me to look for
things today at church that would answer what I had been pondering. Finally
forgiveness came through the words of a sacrament meeting talk. I can’t
remember the words because of course I was stuck with screaming Freedom who has
decided she hates church. ;) But, I do remember how it felt. A smile came to my
face and I knew the Savior was telling me it was ok to move on and put this
behind me. Maybe the Lord had forgiven me sooner; maybe it was I who couldn’t
forgive.
My heart has been so heavy. Today it feels good to have a
little lift. While I know that this trail is probably not over, for the Lord
made it clear to me through a conference talk that sometimes the choices we
make have consequences that we feel for a short time while others last longer,
I know I will be ok if I continue to put my trust in him. The things I have
learned from this experience are honestly innumerable. I wouldn’t change it for
the world. I hate that it came the way it did, and I wish I had been wiser, but
I don’t think I would get to where I’m going if I had not had this experience. Being
on the other side of forgiveness has opened my eyes. I pray that the next time
forgiveness is required of me I can remember how painful it felt to be the one
seeking it. As the tears are rolling down my face I am beginning to heal.
Knowing that tomorrow will be a new day brings me peace. Knowing that tomorrow
despite this trail I will still make mistakes worries me. Have I really
learned? Will I really be different from now on? What if I can’t? I find
comfort in the words of an Apostle, “The Lord views weaknesses differently than
he does rebellion.”
I have to accept the fact that I will make mistakes. I am
not perfect. I’m so far from it. Although I cannot use this as an excuse to
behave unkindly I cannot let the fact that I will make mistakes hold me back
from trying to become the person I know the Lord wants me to be. It’s such a
fine line between being hard enough on oneself for making mistakes but
reminding oneself that making them is part of the journey. This is going to
take a lot of work, and a lot of trial and error. I will triumph. “Whosoever
shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their
troubles and their afflictions.” Alma 38:3. I’ve decided I like the trials the
Lord gives much better than the ones I create. J Here’s to a brighter tomorrow!!
Getting back up on my journey to exaltation!
